26 February 2022

Regretting Choices Made

This past few weeks have been particularly tough for me personally, nothing out of the ordinary has happened, except I've been feeling the ominous cloud of the Big Black Dog circling around me again

The biggest change in my life since mum's stroke has been losing my freedom, I used to walk the dogs for many hours out on the common, just enjoying nature and never having to worry about what time it was

Looking up a tree trunk into the sky, with the words "Some days I feel very small" written in white in the lower half of the photo
Looking up a tree trunk into the sky, with the words "Some days I feel very small" written in white in the lower half of the photo
Nowadays I'm always having to watch the clock to be somewhere at certain times, I always seem to be running late for everything and I'm just so tired. I never have the time to do the exercises I learnt to keep my mind at peace and the Big Black Dog at bay any more

I took a few days off for myself recently as my brother was over from France visiting, I was able to spend some much needed quaility time to myself, just wandering with Boris and Eko out on the common in an effort to calm my mind

After an explosive blow up with mum recently, a few brutal home truths were told on both sides, my mum and I have never had a very good relationship which leaves me struggling with the way things are now

Although I did have a half decent visit with mum last Sunday,  I couldn't stay for too long as I had Eko in the car as we were on the way back from dog training, unfortunately I can't leave Eko in my parents garden like I can Boris, because Eko's very naughty and jumps the fences to take himself off exploring

Long may the peace last with mum, but I very much doubt it will, I give it about a week before everything returns to normal and I'm on the receiving end of yet another of her acid tongue lashings

Life has been so hectic since mum's stroke, it feels my whole life has been turned upside down, I had to clear out the front room to make it possible for mum to come home from hospital. Not an easy task as mum is a bit of a hoarder and collects the most random of things, which all lived in the front room and needed boxing up to go through and sort out at a later date

I've not had the time to do anything much at my own house or on the allotment this past year. My house is a total disaster zone, I only ever seem to have the time to run the Hoover through the middle, the walls and paintworΔ· are in desperate need of washing because of the dogs loving to get wet and muddy, then shaking in the hallway after every walk

But the most awful thing is that the parents I had when we went into Lockdown, way back in March 2020 are no longer the same people now, everything about them is so different

Mum is now disabled and confined to a wheelchair since her stroke, I have to take her everywhere she needs to go as she can no longer drive and at what point over Lockdown did my dad start to become so forgetful, frail and elderly? 
It's so hard for me to believe that he's actually the same person who was once my big strong dad

The people living in my parents house don't feel like my parents anymore, we're strangers to each other, it's the most surreal feeling going to see them every day and having the same conversations every day. I've missed so much of their lives as age has taken its toll on them, which is why they feel like strangers to me now

I stayed away from my parents to keep them both safe during Lockdown!
How I wish I hadn't now!

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  1. I am very sorry to hear that it is such a difficult time for you. Sending positive thoughts.


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